If things don't change and stay the way it is, i might lose myself. I won't make any complaints nor i'm hoping for any compliments. I just want to be myself. Not pretending to be someone that I'm not just to satisfy some people. F*ck who said I can just be myself and that's the best. Like hello, you're the one who judge me. Stupid. Bastard. huh~
For now, I have no motivations for living this life anymore. It's tiring to fulfill what everybody want and need. Being nice means suffering in this world. Being bad is of course suffering in the afterlife. Everything doesn't seem right?
How is it feel like when you are no longer someone's 'shoulder'? Someone who means everything to you. Everything you do seems not right to them? You're just like..something useless? Maybe there's another person out there who can do this but i can't. I know I'm not in your shoes but you can at least explain to me. How can you expect me to understand your circumstances without me knowing nothing about it? You want me to fake it? I won't and I can't afford to fake myself to the people I love the most. But i guessed 'those people' really wanted me to fake everything. I'm just being myself by being honest, with my feelings to you. If I feel something is not right between us, I'll immediately try to fix it so that the problem won't lasts coz it hurts and it sucks to live unhappily with you people.
To be honest, i get attached to someone I trust, easily. Very easily. To some extent, i overexposed myself that..I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't. To some point, I'm taking too much time thinking who should I share my problems with so that the 'who' can understand instead of judging. I need a listener, not a judger. Frankly, NO ONE knows the real me. Maybe. Haha.
I honestly envy to those girls with protective dad. Papa's girl. Maybe I won't mind if I never had those kind of feelings when a dad protects and loved you more than everything. It sucks to had feel it and lost it and watched other people having it. But it's okay. I have mama, who'll never admit she loves her child so much. The only thing that she knew was complaining, complaining, complaining and scolding and scolding and scolding. Should've immune to those things but i guess, I never will.
To 'those people', I seriously loved you. Will always do. Please don't misunderstood my attitude. Do I really have to say it literally? That I'll be harsh to you, I'll keep troubling you, sulking too much, looking forward your attention in indirect ways, sometimes ignored and act like i don't care at all and teasing you till the end. That's what I'll do and what I'll be with people that I love and I wish to stay in my life.
Not forever but for sometimes, stop..keep making me to prove things. It hurts.